Monday, September 20, 2004

Secret White House Tapes, Part I



Through a source whose name must remain anonymous for obvious reasons, I have recently received secret tape recordings made in the Oval Office over the course of the last few days. A partial transcript follows.

September 18, 2004
9:14 a.m.

SECRETARY
Mr. President, sir. Mr. Rove and Vice President Cheney are here to see you.
BUSH
Awesome. Send ‘em in.
CHENEY
Good morning, Mr. President.
BUSH
Fatty Heart Guy! Hey, help me out here. How many Ts in Cat?
CHENEY
Excuse me?
BUSH
Cat, you know. Whiskers. Floppy ears. See I’m doing this crossword in my bible magazine. It wants to know what you call an animal that’s got that radar stuff. Flies around at night.

Pause

ROVE
Mr. President, cats can’t fly.
BUSH
You’re kidding me.
ROVE
No, sir.

Long pause.

BUSH
You sure you’re not pulling my leg?
ROVE
Yes, sir.
CHENEY
He’s right, sir.
BUSH
Damn, that sure would explain why Mr. Muffins didn’t wanna go out that window.
ROVE
Mr. President—
BUSH
Hell, I always wondered why he never came back. I just figured he flew south for the winter--
CHENEY
Yes, sir. Look, Mr. President. We’ve just agreed to three debates. I feel it’s important that we start preparing early. With things being so…challenging with the economy and war and all--
BUSH
Are you flat out positive? Cause I could swear he started flapping those little legs on the way down—
ROVE
Mr. President, please. If we could shift focus from your puzzle to the debates--
BUSH
Oh, don’t get your panties in a twist, Creepy Cadaver Guy, I’m just tryin’ to better myself. Like I did in the Air Force.
ROVE
Mr. President. We’ve talked about this. You weren’t actually in the Air Force.
BUSH
You know I remember this one flight. I was flat-out hammered on some tasty Peruvian stuff I stole outta this guy’s footlocker. I hit Mach 20 in that baby - sucked a whole flock of cats into my engine. You ever try to clean cat out of a turbine engine, Fatty? It ain’t pretty.
CHENEY
Sir, please. The debates really are coming up soon. Karl and I feel very strongly that you have to go on the attack. Senator Kerry’s going to be coming after you about Iraq spiraling out of control, the negative job creation numbers, exploding heath care and Medicare costs—
BUSH
What was that middle one again?
CHENEY
Negative job creation?
BUSH
That’s the one. Sounds like a lotta bullshit to me.
ROVE
I agree, sir. But the reality is there are actually one million fewer jobs now then when you took office.
BUSH
You know anyone doesn’t got a job, Creepy?
ROVE
What?
BUSH
I mean personally. An unemployed guy.
ROVE
Well, no sir.
BUSH
How ‘bout you, Heart Guy?
CHENEY
No, sir. But I don’t see what this has to do with—
BUSH
See I was thinkin’ about this last night while I was clearing brush in the residence. I mean I got a job. You got a job. Hell, everyone we know’s got a job. What if this whole unemployment thing is just one of them big conspiracy things? Like Tupac being dead.
CHENEY
Sir, I really don’t think--
BUSH
I’m not sayin’ it’s a damn fact. I’m just sayin’ you should look into it. Is that too much to ask, me being the President and all?
ROVE
Of course not, sir. If we could please just focus on--
SECRETARY
Mr. President, I have your wife on the line.
BUSH
Awesome. Look guys, I gotta take this. Get back to me on that conspiracy thing.
ROVE
Yes, sir. We’ll just leave you these talking points. If you could look them over before the debate prep this afternoon.
BUSH
Sure thing. Just drop ‘em on my desk.

Pause.

ROVE
You’re not going to read them, are you, sir?
BUSH
(laughing)
Hell, no. But I sure had you goin’ there for a second, didn’t I?
ROVE
(sigh)
Yes, sir.

They leave.

BUSH
Laura? Honey? I think we should get us a kitty cat…You’re damn right they’re cute. And those suckers can fly.
End of Transcript.