Sunday, October 10, 2004

Secret White House Tapes, Part II

My source inside the White House has leaked me another tape. (For a transcript of the first one, go here.) This one was recorded yesterday inside the Oval Office. A partial transcript follows:


October 9, 2004
10:27 a.m.

SECRETARY
Sir, Ms. Rice, Mr. Rove and the Vice President are here.

BUSH
(breathing hard)
Good. Send their asses in.

ROVE
Good morning, sir. Sir? Where are you?

BUSH
(straining)
Behind the desk, Creepy.

Pause.

RICE
Sir, what are you doing?

BUSH
(straining)
Yoga. Robot Wife Lady told me it’d relax me. Make me less aggressive.

RICE
How’d you get your leg behind your head?

BUSH
(in pain)
If I knew that, Gap Tooth, I’d be able to get the fuckin’ thing off.

CHENEY
Do you want me to call the Secret Service?

BUSH
No, they’re mad at me cause I stabbed one of ‘em with a pencil after the last debate. Just give me a hand.

The sound of struggling, then a CRASH.

BUSH
Ouch. Goddamn it, now I got a Texas-sized wedgie.

RICE
Can I help you pick it?

BUSH
Keep your hands outta my pants, Gap Tooth. Don’t make me get that restraining order.

ROVE
Mr. President, we need to talk to you about the ear piece rumors.

BUSH
On the internets?

CHENEY
It’s internet, sir. Singular.

BUSH
(defensive)
I know that. You think I don’t know that?

ROVE
Of course, sir. It’s just…we’ve tried our standard denial—

BUSH
They’re not buying it?

ROVE
No, sir. They’ve finally realized that we’ve been lying about everything else. They don’t trust us anymore.

RICE
Plus they’ve got pictures of the tranceiver bulge under your jacket.

BUSH
Dammit, if you’d just packed it next to my pecker like you were supposed to, we would’ve kicked Frankenstein’s ass in that first debate.

RICE
We couldn’t, sir. There was too much interference.

BUSH
You couldn’t have told me that before I let you shave my balls?

The National Security Advisor giggles.

ROVE
(quickly)
Mr. President, if you just hadn’t swallowed the ear piece—

BUSH
I had to. I thought Moderator Guy saw it. But the fuckin’ thing got caught in my throat. Why do you think I was drinking so much goddamn water all night?!

ROVE
Sir, please don’t get so mad.

BUSH
Don’t get mad?! I’m the President, goddammit. This job is hard work. I gotta get up early. People are always talking to me. Handing me pieces of paper with words on ‘em. Hell, I can’t even find five minutes to clear that brush outta the Lincoln bedroom.

CHENEY
Sir, please, we really need to hunker down for this last debate. You came across as less than presidential in the first one. In the second one everybody felt you were yelling at them. We need you to be better prepared for Wednesday.

BUSH
Prepared? What the hell else do I gotta know? Saddam attacked us on 9/11. We fuckin’ smote his ass. End of story.

RICE
Sir, Saddam didn’t attack us.

BUSH
Shut up, Gap Tooth. You’re stupider then me and that’s sayin’ something.

CHENEY
Unfortunately, Condi’s right. We’ve been successful at confusing the American people about Saddam and 9/11, but the 9/11 Commission clearly shows he wasn’t responsible and now the Duelfer report shows he was harmless.

RICE
And the press have found the passage which says that the risk of WMD attack has actually increased since we invaded Iraq.

ROVE
Then there are the draft rumors, sir.

BUSH
Dammit, did that plan leak too.

ROVE
No, sir. So far nobody’s spilled the beans. But again, the American people have stopped trusting us.

BUSH
We still got our base, though, right?

CHENEY
Maybe.

BUSH
Come again, Fatty?

CHENEY
The fiscal conservatives are outraged that we’ve run up the biggest deficit in the history of the world, that we’ve increased non-defense spending by a higher percent than any Democratic president in recent memory, and that the biggest increase in jobs during the last four years have actually been in government.

BUSH
That’s it, I’m killing somebody.

ROVE
(alarmed)
Sir?

BUSH
I’m the President, dammit. I gotta be able to execute somebody. It’s how I relaxed when I was governor of Texas.

ROVE
Sir, I wouldn’t advise—

BUSH
Shut up, Creepy, and go find me someone to fry.

CHENEY
(under his breath)
Just say yes. He’ll forget by this afternoon.

BUSH
I heard that!

The door opens.

SECRETARY
Sir?

BUSH
What?!

SECRETARY
Dr. Phil’s on the phone. He wants to talk some more about oral sex.

BUSH
Dammit, that guy’s creepier than Karl.
(sighs)
But Robot Wife Lady likes him, so I guess I gotta take it.

RICE
Can I stay?

BUSH
Don’t you have work to do?

RICE
(confused)
No. It’s Saturday.

BUSH
It is?! What the hell am I doing in the office then?

ROVE
Sir, a President doesn’t get the weekend off.

BUSH
Now you tell me.

End of recording.

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